arwens_ghost (arwens_ghost) wrote in i_hurt,

Ramblings (from an anorexic)

I guess it's been an 'off' few days for not much reason. I think really trying to get into at least some sort of 'recovery mode' is bringing up a lot of feelings and real thoughts that are crystalizing properly in my head.
I have to accept that I no longer have a family. I have most of the members of it, who love me - but no more fantasy childhood mum, dad, gran, and me together around the family dinner table. That's why I can't sit down around a table with others and enjoy meals. It feels wrong. When I was young, food was 'family at the table together'. Now food is nothing because we're all apart. (Well, except mum - who's as sad as I am about Dad buggering off). I watched my gran die in front of me - collapsed in the street. Her last words were "I want to go home". She used to cook the most amazing trout with mash and then baked apples. I'm glad I was with her when she died. But I MUST accept it's gone. My meals, my food, my choice.

yes, I've talked with my team - not about this latest revelation about "family=meals" idea, which I will do, but they give me great suggestions, many of which are given in the comments to that post. It's ME that struggles. My therapist suggests finding a scheduled time to sit down at the table for a small, safe meal. Sounds great - but I've just explained my stumbling block.

Sorry, I'm really rambling. This entry was meant as an 'ode to my cats'. My suggestion of the month - GET CATS. I had a little cry yesterday. One of those curl-up under the duvet and cry about nothing & everything. My cats came all the way from downstairs sensing I was down. I was snuggled with and they licked my tears away. A cat will always improve your life.

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