I am in desperate need of a sign of hope . I need something to help me to believe I am doing what I am supposed to . I feel so disconnected and out of place no matter where I am or who I am with any more . I feel like I have no place . I have no family down here . I only chose to stay for him . I made his family mine . And last night as we all sat around the table I looked around at all the laughing faces that I had once not so long ago felt a part of , and felt like I was among strangers . I once felt like family . I once felt like I belonged . Now I barely remember the feeling of belonging .
My life started to fall apart when my mother died . Then a month later he showed up and swept me away to a cloud where I was too far away to think much of anything sad , like my mom . And I think he was the only reason I survived it . I was planning to commit suicide even on the very night I had met him before I left my house I had written a letter to my mothers spirit telling her that I couldnt take life any more . Most of me was serious . And the little part of me that wasnt wanted to go back to Michigan where I had some family if you could call most of them that . But then I met him and for once in a long time I felt happy . I felt hope . I fell in love with him the moment I saw him . And then all of a sudden here I am on this beautiful cloud . I am there for months and I am really blissful and intoxicated by the wonderful , loving , and promising things he always said to me , and then all of a sudden he ripped the cloud to shreds and watched me fall with no where to land . I am still falling a year later . Maybe I am going to fall forever . But I wish he would catch me . Place his wonderful cloud under my heavy soul and let me rest there and heal . Let us be happy again and spend all of our time together on this perfect cloud . Let me die when it is my time upon this cloud . I dont want to die cold and alone as I feel now . And he is the only one I wish to be warm and alive for . Without him I may as well die . I see no reason to live . He is all I had and all I want . He is all I love and all I wish to love .