Alex (allie_beee) wrote in i_hurt,

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i know what it's like....

i know what its like to be the odd one. i know what its like the raised with little or nothing. i know what its like to hide under the covers when your parents are arguing, hoping your tears can put you to sleep. that the screams and bangs will go away. to tell your siblings everything will be alright, when you know in your heart they wont. i know what its like to live without electricity or running water for days. i know what its like to eat only the microwave can foods for weeks because you cant afford anything else. to sleep on the floor on palets or in sleeping bags because you cant afford a bed. to have your parents play tug of war with your arms because you're the only kid who doesnt have lice at the moment, but your mother yells to your father who drove three hours to come get you that because he wont take all of the kids he cant have you. he was only looking out for the other children in the family that you were going to stay with. i know what its like to wonder if your mother will ever find the right man. if all these men who come and go were the ones for her. i know what its like to see your birth parents who are now divorced argue and scream in your faces. to not like each other. i know what its like to be called ugly. to have fingers pointed at you because you dont fit in. i know what it's like to feel uncomfortable around some men in your family, and later find out that they are unregistered child molestors and you question whether they did something to you in order for you to have those feelings against them. i know what its like to have facial hair, oily skin, pimples and the skinniest legs in the world. i know what its like to be an outcast. for people to call you weird to your face. give you ugly stares. to look like a boy. i know what its like to climb trees barefoot, play with horses and go fishing at the pond near your house. to jump off a tree into the water from a rope. i know what its like the catch crawfish...on the side of your house in waterholes. i know what its like to be in love with two. to make the wrong decisions. for someone to tell you that your not white enough to be white. that your teeth are too crooked. that you will never be pretty. i know what its like to give your heart to someone and not recieve theirs back. i know what its like to be screwed over by the one you love, about a million times. for them to never make the right choices at the rights times. when they want you its too late. i know what its like to be strangled by a man, feeling that ball of fear in your veins that you are about to be raped. to be broke. completely. to run away from your fears. to do something for love and acceptance and to not even recieve both. to make mistakes. to question your sexuality. to question your beliefs. to wonder who you really are. to be the outcast. to be the ugly duckling that turned into a swan. you and me, we're really not that different are we?

i know that was a weird introduction.
most people know me by the name of allie b. or just allie.
i came across this community and i felt compelled to join, i feel like i can identify with so many of you.

i've never been good with introductions because i'm not the type of person who likes to talk about themselves.
I'm certainly not trying to get sympathy but I need to vent and thought that this would be the perfect place to do so.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12 (i'm 18 right now).
When I first got my meds at age 12, I took them for 4 months and then took myself off of them and have not taken them since.
My parents have been divorced for 7 years now and continue to fight.  I just recently found out the shocking truth, I'm worth nothing more to my mother than a few hundred bucks a month in child support.  Sure, my mom seems nasty.  But my dad (who I'm currently living with at the moment) isn't much better.  He ignores me and makes sure I have a place to sleep, that's it.

Long story short--
I've battled cutting. Bulemia.  And I'm deaf so I get made fun of constantly in school.
I'm not sure if this is a cry for help. I'm not the type of person to admit that I need help, but admitting is the first step, is it not?

Maybe all I need is a hug.

There is so much more to the story of my life than what I could possibly explain on here.  I honestly don't think that anyone could understand unless they've been through my experiences.  It's just nice to know that you guys care, you guys are there to listen and I hope that I can contribute to this community as well by listening to you in return.  I may not give the best advice, but I can try.
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